What is it to be trans?

I think here is the million dollar question. When you google 'What is Trans' you'll probably get a lot of definitions about umbrella terms or spectrums. Or you'd happen upon anti-trans definitions about it being a sexual paraphilia or internalised homophobia or social conditioning that has confused me (It's none of these and I will talk about this someday!)

As a trans person I often hear myself talking about what it is to be trans in terms that are intellectualised, comparative or reductionist.

I have wittered on at people about it being to with the Default Mode Network and the salience network incorporating the mesial prefrontal cortex and therefore I have altered self perception compared to my cisgendered counterparts that is remedied by giving me cross sex hormones.

but really is that what it is to be trans?

I know why I do that, it's because fundamentally I seek understanding and acceptance from those that aren't trans. I want to be able to explain and justify myself in a way that other people can understand and therefore hopefully accept.

One of the many things I've learned in therapy is that I use intellectualisation as a defence mechanism from my emotions. I know I am doing that when talking about this with people as to genuinely ask myself what it is to be trans cuts close to the bone.

So what is it to be trans? for me it's apprehension, it's fear, it's hope, it's joy, it's different, it's marginalising and it's impossible to describe to so fundamentally integral to my being. I cannot separate me from it and it from me and frankly I need to stop trying to. I just am, I was born this way. So can I explain what it is to be trans in a way that you can understand? probably not. but I'd ask you this question.

Why do you need to understand something to accept it?

if we can get past the sole need for knowledge and logic as a prerequisite for acceptance our society in general would be much more trusting caring and loving. Feel the sincerity in which this I hold this. It's not a theory or ideology it just is on an emotional level. Our connection as humans is not intellectual, it's emotional

As a good friend said to me when I came out. 'I don't understand a word you just said but I love you and accept you no matter what'