Waving through a Window

Anyone that's been within 10 feet of me recently will know that I'm currently obsessed with 'Dear Evan Hansen'. I'm liable to break into to a chorus of 'For Forever' or 'Words Fail' at a moments notice causing discomfort to all around. Or belt out ' Waving through a Window' and 'Only Us' with tears streaming down my face driving to Blackpool.

For those that don't know, it is the most bizarre story where a teenage boy who's in therapy has to write a letter to himself (therapists LOVE that, I still haven't written mine). Anyway, the letter gets taken from him by another boy Connor who then very sadly dies. Connor's parents find Evan's note on him and think it was his final letter to a friend. Cue Evan then pretending that he and Connor were excellent friends and becoming like a second son to Connor's family. Evan feels like he belongs before of course it all then falls apart.

So maybe I've been thinking about it too much, which you know is never something I would do, but I've wondered what pushed Evan to take it so far? Initially he tries to tell them he wasn't Connor's friend but they wouldn't hear it and eventually he just goes with it. What makes him want to live a lie? To pretend to be something and someone he wasn't?

I think there's some clues in the lyrics to Waving through a Window:

"I've learned to slam on the brake, before I've even turned the key,

Before I make the mistake, Before I lead with the worst of me,

Give them no reason to stare, No slipping up if you slip away,

So I got nothing to share, no I got nothing to say

Step out, step out of the sun, If you keep getting burned,

Step out, step out of the sun, Because you've learned

because you've learned,

On the outside always looking in, Will I ever be more than I've always been,

Cos I'm tap-tap-tapping on the glass

Waving through a window."

Isn't that tragic? A 17 year old boy has been so much that he's learned that he must be invisible in order to survive. He doesn't put himself out there, he doesn't do anything that will make him stand out or be noticed because he's already internalised that to be different to to be targeted. Heartbreaking if you ask me.

He can't be the real him so he's presenting a very timid quiet face to the world while the real him is stood behind a window trying to be noticed. Eurgh. I mean God that sounds so much like my experience a child. The real me hidden behind layers and layers of masking because I thought the world would only be safe if I made me invisible.

When Evan is presented with the opportunity to lead a different life to the one that has brought him so much pain, to be given a family and relationships that make him feel safe welcome and special, I can absolutely understand why he takes it. He just wants to belong; don't we all? I think lots of people are willing to do things that are uncomfortable to them in order to be part of a group aren't they?

BUT as I discovered and as Evan discovered later on living in a masked state hiding who you really are is draining and numbing and becomes just too damn hard eventually. You really are screaming from behind the window but over time the window has collected mud and silt and dirt and it's so thick no one can see through it and you can't reach anyone on the other side.

You can only live like that for so long, you are not meant to live as someone you're not. You are not meant to live in a way that is purely for the pacification and satisfaction of others. That path leads to an internalised message that who you are isn't good enough and you are not worthy of love in your own right.

You are meant to live your life as you are, quirky, odd, beautiful, kind, generous, bolshy, creative, thoughtful. Whatever and whoever you are you are wonderful and fabulous just as you are.

So my challenge to you. Do you moderate yourself and personality around people? to you present to not be that slightly geeky nerdy gal so others don't get upset by you?

If you recognise yourself in that I want you to do two things.

1) Ask yourself - if you weren't trying to impress or please other people what would you look like? How would you act? What would you do that you haven't dared to do before? Then pick one of those things and start living it. It'll be daunting at first but you'll get there.

2) Please consider finding some people who accept you just as you are and love you for who you are. Those that try to change you and make you conform to their idea of who you should be are not your friends. Please let them go.

Easier said that done. After I started peeling back the layers of my mask I spent 6 months in therapy working out if I was evil or not, but it's worth the effort. I promise

Thanks for reading and love to you all

Ellie x