On trying to be a little less Piglet and a little more Tigger

It’s been a while since I’ve had the capacity to think about writing some of my thoughts out on paper. The past few months have been challenging for me but I’m starting to feel more able to articulate my thoughts again and I’m sure I’ll have a few posts coming out over the next few weeks.

I’m sure you’ll have worked out by now that sometimes these posts are well constructed and thought through. Other times they’re a raw typing of emotion, feelings and thoughts that merge to produce words on a page. Sometimes this makes more sense than at other times but the purpose of this blog was always to help me process some of the things I ruminate on so I make no apology for that. I just hope that some of you find these musings thought provoking too.

Today’s post is definitely in the ‘I have feelings and I need to explore them’ category so if that’s not your thing then feel free to skip by.

I love Winne the Pooh, I always have, it is just such a complex microcosm of personalities and behaviours and beliefs that I identify with. My sister always called me Pooh I think mostly because I liked honey and spent a lot of time pensive. At school I was often called Eeyore for my ability to find the problem in every situation. I always wanted to be Tiggr, fearless and self-assured, unfazed by the doubts of those around me but a lot of the time I felt like Piglet, slightly scared, bobbing around in a honey pot in a flood I had no control of and overwhelmed by the world around me.

As I’ve mentioned before my main ways of living for 37 years of my life with unmanaged dysphoria was a mixture of avoidance and depersonalisation which resulted in me feeling very disconnected to the world and numb. I wore a mask, a layer of protection that faced outward towards the world, that was the embodiment of who I thought I was meant to be. It offered me quiet away from dysphoria but it also made me very unfeeling and disconnected towards myself. Instead focussing on the emotional needs of others as a deflection from dealing with my own

As I’ve come to terms with my gender identity it’s stripped away those layers slowly but surely and it’s left my uncertain as to what remains.

I lived so long as who others expected me to be who am I when I’m not performing someone elses expectations?

As I’ve approached that question I’ve had to deal with feeling emotions and after so long of feeling like I’m looking on at myself rather than AS myself that has been overwhelming at times.

I suppose at times it’s made me worry that because I was so good at presenting a façade to the world maybe the things I think that I value and hold dear about myself aren’t real but a performance. When all is said and done what are my core beliefs, what values do I hold intensely and unwaveringly, what do I seek for the world around me and fundamentally am I able to trust myself.

All these questions may seem self-indulgent and wasteful when there is so much going on in the world. I however truly believe that to know these parts of yourself helps you gain an understanding and self-reliance that makes you far more able to tackle the whims of the world and ultimately helps you be part of the solution to the problems of the world.

I won’t say this has been easy for me. There have been so many aspects of my life that I’ve compartmentalised but slowly but surely I’ve come to recognise where my centre is. In knowing that I’ve come to see that there are bits of me that I actually like.

So what do I like about me?

Firstly and centrally my desire to always lead with compassion. I will always seek to offer comfort to those in need. I will always find love and time for people, especially those who society sees as less deserving, I’ve always been driven to that. It’s why I started a palliative care service in a prison. There’s a naivety in that, especially when it comes to bad faith actors in discussions, as I’ll always find myself trying to empathise with people who despise me which can leave me open to pain but I’d rather be naïve and compassionate than the alternative. Who I always want to be is someone who is safe and welcoming and comforting to people who need it. I hope I’ve achieved that on some level. I don’t know if I have that’s for others to say but that is my sincere motivation and fundamentally I like that this is my number one core value

Secondly curiosity. I’m curious about everything I was always that annoying child that asked ‘Why, Why, Why’ It’s a nerdy geeky desire to know that world at it’s most basic level. I know some people find this part of me infuriating and OTT and occasionally intimidating (I never intend it to be) but I LOVE it. I can spend hours geeking out on the first principles of something that is completely irrelevant such as why the evolution from Prokaryotic to Eukaryotic cells is SO amazing and changed the world. This is where me and Clare bonded, we both have this curiosity and It’s wonderful to share it with someone rather than feel like you’re a weirdo outlier.

It also makes me curious about people. What motivates you? Why do you think like you do? What do you need that would help you? These are questions that float around my mind when I think about people. I think this mixed with compassion is why I went into palliative care and acknowledging that helps to remind me how to keep myself refreshed at work.

Fundamentally it turns out that whilst there is a part of me that always be Piglet, there is another part of me that is Piglets’ companions, I can show compassion to myself and be a little more fearless and know that all of these part of me are welcome together as a whole. The recognition of all these facets living together in harmony rather than some of them being supressed is leading to healing and that is lovely.

Feel free to share things you like about you too! I promise learning to accept the good things you bring to the world and embrace them is totally worth it