A Walk Down Memory Lane

I've always found it hard revisiting the past. The memories of me as I was before I accepted myself leave a tinged sense of sadness in me for the pain and sadness I carried on a daily basis. It also means meeting people from my history who knew me before I am now and I haven't seen in a long time. With that comes fear and worry that they will reject me or not see me as who I am now and so I've avoided encountering my past as much as possible over recent years.

This weekend we're in the beautiful city of Oxford for Clare's college reunion.

This is the city I met my wonderful wife on a cold December day in 2000. We were 17 and applying for medical school. I was stood behind a Christmas tree in the junior common room of Corpus Christi College when along comes this bold young women asking me what on earth I was doing behind the tree.

'Hello, I'm a Christmas tree' I said.

It was an unexpected opening line on my part but I've always been one to pretend inanimate objects are alive.

'No you're not now come on the tour of the college with me' came Clare's reply as she offered me a hand to help me out from behind the tree.

She's always been one to tell it straight and so I diligently allowed her to tug me out into the quad. The rest, as they say is, history. We started dating 3 month later we got married after 5 years together. That one moment of contact in an Oxford common room was probably the best moment of my life because of what it's led to.

So coming back here is tinged with a heady mixture of joy and sadness, I've been nervous about it for months. I've wandered round all of my old spots including the covered market, a place I spent hours waiting for Clare to finish the latest essay or tutorial she was working on.

She is in the college now for her reunion and it's the first time she's been back since I came out so I do wonder how she's been feeling about it all too. What I do know is that I saw our friend Jess who I haven't seen in five plus years and she

gave me the biggest hug. In between events Clare brought back another friend of hers to our hotel room between events simply because she wanted to give me a hug and say congratulations, which is just the most beautiful thing.

I'm remembering that I have so many lovely memories of my time with Clare here and yes they may be tinged by my dysphoria but I need to celebrate and embrace the joy despite that. This history is who I am and it deserves to be relived. I'm so grateful for the people that have been so loving to me coming back here.

So the lesson for today? I'm going to try and go to places I spent my youth in more, and when I think about those times I'm going to remember the good stuff as much as the sense of grief I have. I hope by doing that it will bring some healing.